I have been really pushing my comfort level with working two jobs and going back to school to learn French. So my main focus has been to try to keep all of the random pieces together. I have tried to maintain a careful balance between the mental and emotional aspects of my life. I share these thoughts with you in hopes of creating a bridge of understanding that will help when things are difficult and pushes your abilities more than you have ever thought possible. This is what I experience as the process of growth.
It is my belief and understanding that when an object reaches critical mass it has three options. (Maybe more… but let’s just focus on these three)
1) Fizzle out and be non reactive. (Not Enough)
2) Stabilize and maintain current status. (Perfection)
3) Implode. (Too Much)
Things have been a little overwhelming as I try to find and maintain a balance. I have learned that I can work under stress very well, but I also have to admit that I do not deal well with the outside world while I am stressed. I have been trying to balance everything, all the time, everywhere… the normal person realizes that this is impossible…. I still think it can be done.
So the reality that I have generated is one of working 10am till 6:30 then studying till 2 am every night. Sleeping for a bit and then trying to do such things as laundry, cleaning, eating in the time that remains. I am sad to say that the equation I have created is a mathematician ‘s nightmare. Hence, Critical Mass + moments of less than optimal balance = a very special level of well meticulous created crazy.
For example and some proof. I woke up this morning with the sound of the alarm and I was very calm and quiet in my mind. The sun was out and it seemed a great day. But something seemed off. It was not that I felt good or bad, it was more the fact that I felt nothing. My mind and body had shut off emotionally.
I did not care that there was some random woman under my window yelling at her husband down the alley, or that I have a huge French test tomorrow night. I also had to leave for work within an hour because there was a pile of paperwork waiting there for me… increasing my level of stress even more. Nothing mattered…. I hit critical mass I had only had two remaining choices, to stabilize emotionally or to implode… my smarter self took control and made the decision for me.
What is an individual to do in these moments? Have you ever pushed yourself so far that you just lost your bearings. I must admit in the beginning this scared me.. Because I feared that I had pushed so far that there was no way to move forward or backwards. I had reached Critical Mass and in a way I created my own personal black hole. I was replaced by this large void. What I had always known to be true was up for debate and I was not invited to the meeting.
So, it is not that I have given up. I will still push myself past my comfort levels. But this made me stop today and think. What is enough, at what point will I be happy with what I am able to accomplish?
In a day,
Is there a point that I will say this is enough…
I don’t know…
Do you know what your limitations are yet?